I Roll Twenties: What Would Tidus Do?

On today's edition of I Roll Twenties, we have decided to propose a little alternate history and imagine the life and times of a popular Japanese RPG protagonist in an American RPG setting. For instance, what if the infamous vault dweller of popular ARPG Fallout were really Tidus of Final Fantasy X fame? What if Tidus' Zanarkand never actually existed, and instead, this spiky haired hero had woken up in Vault 13, ready to take on the world to save his fellow vault dwellers from dehydration. The first problem Tidus would encounter is attire. Though his exploits on Spira garnered him a lot of crazy looks from the local populace, in Fallout, his fellow vault dwellers would undoubtedly frown on Tidus' choice of loud, almost absurd clothing. While citizens of neither Spira nor post-apocalyptic Los Angeles seem to change their outfits from day to day, the standard vault dweller costume - a head-to-toe blue jumpsuit - would certainly have set Tidus apart from the crowd. How did he obtain this clothing, anyhow? Perhaps Tidus moonlit as a seamstress within the vault, but it seemed that everyone from the Overseer on down wore nothing but those same blue overalls. Similarly, Tidus' hairstyle, a semi-spiky ‘do, was more or less incongruous with the slicked-back look most male dwellers sported. And one has to wonder what Tidus would have done for gel, anyway.

Still, Tidus' outlandish appearance would certainly set him apart from the pack, and it makes sense that Tidus would catch the Overseer's eye. Unbeknownst to the vault dwellers, their water supply was going to dry up pretty soon thanks to a malfunctioning water chip. Tidus would have accepted the quest - albeit after a lot of questions - and then would go on his merry way Outside.

Again, Tidus would feel right at home. At first glance, a post-apocalyptic, technology-dead world such as post-apocalyptic southern California looks little different from the Luddite-infested Spira Tidus would have been familiar with in Final Fantasy X. Of course, that is where the similarities would have ended. As the dust settled around Tidus, he would have instantly been thrust into a world of confict. Of enemies that he could see rather than ones that simply appeared whenever they deemed it appropriate. As I sit and type this from the comfort of my own home, I'm honestly not sure which is more disconcerting: being able to see ones enemies in the field, or the idea that they can spring up unawares at any time. Random encounters have the single benefit of not forcing you to sneak around conflict zones. Still, Tidus would haveto do something about those rats…there were no two ways about it. And this time, he wouldn't have a sword.

After escaping the sewers and emerging in the desolation above, Tidus would probably have his first panic attack. The vault, after all, was a constricting place. Having been born there, most dwellers likely wouldn't know what a wide, open space even meant, really. Conceptualization is nothing compared to visualization. Being thrust into Fallout's open-ended, non-linear world would undoubtedly make Tidus piss his pants. Spira, it seems, was constructed with invisible guardrails, and Tidus seemed to feel right at home, merrily going along the path that was set for him. Here, Tidus could go anywhereat any time. For a young, spiky-haired boy of unnatural attire, that can be a frightening prospect.

But go he must. Traveling southward, Tidus would come across some tribal individuals - no problem there, Spira is nothing more than a collection of tribes anyway - and is likely to make his first friend. The leather-jacket wearing, gun-toting Ian might not have been what Tidus expected (and Tidus might not have been what Ian expected to find stumbling around the desert either), but with Tidus' almost depressingly cheery outlook on life, there is no reason to believe they wouldn't become fast friends…or at least wasteland companions. Over the course of his travels, Tidus will no doubt get a number of other people to tag along, and eventually he can use his atheistic tendencies to good use to turn yet another young lass seemingly subjugated by an oppressive and ridiculous religious sect. I'm not necessarily sure Katja is Tidus' type, but we have to make the best of what we're presented with in life.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Tidus' first real issues would happen when wandering around the desert. I know I mentioned earlier that Tidus could usually see his enemies before hand, but that was only true while wandering around in a city, or sewer, or vault, or high-grade century-old abandoned military base. This is not true in the desert, an infinite, barren, sandy deathtrap stretching as far as the eye can see. No, there are ambushes a-plenty in the desert (a little odd considering it normally offers such an unobstructed, far-reaching view). As such, and finally armed with, at least, a sledgehammer, Tidus would get his first taste of combat. Raiders and bandits are the guardians of the sand, and, like all good thieves and murderers, they prey on the weak. And what else could a leather-jacket wearing hombre with a spiky-haired companion represent if not the weakest of the weak?

Unlike on Spira where everyone gets a somewhat-equal chance at jabbing endlessly at each other until someone dies (temporarily or permanently depending on where you are in the land), the post-apocalyptic world of Fallout is much less forgiving, as Ian would have likely found out. Action points rule the day after World War 3, but how could Tidus know? He'd been locked in a vault for 16 years where the only conflicts that existed were over who gets to pour the water for the community. And, no, a phoenix down won't fix a shotgun blast to the crotch. Sorry, Tidus, it must be disconcerting to witness such a bloody mess and not be able to do anything about it. Mostly, though, sorry to Ian. What a way to go.

Eventually, Tidus will get to the other vault his Overseer pointed him toward. Again, this could have been a problem. While the vault dwellers of Vault 13 were probably used to Tidus' - let's be honest here - slightly emosexual way of acting and dressing, Vault 15 dwellers would likely kill on sight. I've no doubt, though, that Tidus could charm his way in eventually, perhaps by standing behind some metal scraps and laughing like a hyena at nothing until everyone within earshot was utterly convinced that he was harmless. Until, of course, he broke into the high security area and snatched their working water chip, dooming everyone in this vault to a gruesome death. But if there is one thing I admire about Tidus, it's his ability to ignore the consequences of his God-hating, murderous, suicidal, yet chipper personality. Thankfully, Vault 15 had already been abandoned, which would mean Tidus would have to head toward a robot-infested dungeon to get a working water chip, and robots don't care about silly things like hairdos and popular manners of dress. Then again, robots just kill indiscriminately. (Let this be a lesson to our robotic friends at Sony.)

Tidus will have to endure many trials. Gambling, prostitutes, etc. In fact, if it weren't for his eventual canine companion Dogmeat urging him out of the bed of a particularly lumpy whore with a warble in her (?) voice, he'd probably still be somewhere in Junktown, brawling for a living and f***ing as a pastime, and understandably so. Who wouldn't prefer that to an endless, hunt for some rogue water chip. Anyway, Tidus will eventually find his chip. But there's a deeper problem - the mutant menace. And eventually, he will come up against the master. I cannot fully predict how such an encounter would turn out, but I think it's entirely possible for Tidus to unwittingly convince the master to commit suicide. I wouldn't want to listen to any of Tidus' monologues, and since the master seems fairly immobile (i.e. unable to, say, walk away from Tidus, enter a room, and lock the door behind him), it's a safe bet that Tidus has the upper hand, either through physical prowess or by sheer Care Bear Stare-type annoyance.

In the end, when Tidus returned from destroying the mutant leader and their military base, and the Overseer told him to get the hell out because he no longer wanted Tidus corrupting the vault dwellers with his outmoded form of dress (and, quite possibly now, herpes), I have no doubt Tidus would take it like a man. Or, well, a teenager. After all, he's used to the whole disappearing act by now.

Jan 15, 2007 - 1:53 pm | 0 comments
Roger Helgeson