June 2002

Normally an article like this would be in the “Review” section, but due my to my extreme bias for having an unhealthy obsession for Star Wars, I don’t think that it’s possible for me to review this game with a fair perspective. Instead, I’d rather take this time to introduce myself and bitch about things that bother me.

First I would like to start by saying that my computer is running bald ass slow right now because I just finished playing a few rounds of multiplayer online. For some reason whenever you exit the game your computer runs like crap until you restart it. That’s only the tip of the iceberg though folks. Trust me it gets much, much worse,

When I first heard the concept of Quake with a lightsaber, I was very pumped! For some reason I manage to get myself pumped up for every new Star Wars game that comes out even though I am consistently disappointed by LucasArts for putting out crap game after crap game. “Surely this time it’ll be different, this game is going to rule, this is going to be the Star Wars game I’ve waited my entire life for!” Instead I get the same crap that I’ve come to expect from a Star Wars game.

Pickle and I first busted into this game about a month ago and immediately discovered that you have absolutely no control over your lightsaber; it’s actually a miracle that you can hit anything at all. For some reason LucasArts put in a bunch of guns in this game that Pickle and I never used. For the love of God man you’ve got a lightsaber, what the hell do you need a rocket launcher for? After a couple of late nights dueling one on one in multiplayer mode we decided that we were ready to battle on the net.

Let me first state that being a newbie in any game sucks ass. I must have taken a back stab to the gut about 500 times before I actually figured out how to perform this maneuver myself. I think the hordes of Counterstrike and Quake Cro-Magnons must have just migrated themselves over to JK II. It was more of the usual “You suck ass, I f’d your mom you piece of crap.” Well hell yeah I suck you damn moron, I just signed on to a net game for the first time 5 minutes ago, shut the hell up. Also included were the clever names that CS player’s consistently give themselves, such as; “Tig O Bitties,” “SpawnCampersCanEatMyAssWithASpoon.” You know the type. I thought we were Jedi here folks, aren’t we a more sophisticated, refined order of people?

Next I was greatly disturbed by the site of a Tie pilot running around with a lightsaber. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it then engaged in a battle with a dark blue stormtrooper also carrying a lightsaber. I did one of those double takes you often do when you see something that blows your f’n mind. “Dammit people you’re ruining my fantasy of being a bad ass Jedi here, cut that shit out!” I figured maybe I’d just stumbled upon a server gone horribly array, time to find a new one.

The next server I visited upon opened my eyes to the giant pile of crap that is JK II. Apparently the first server I was on was “Lightsabers only.” The current server had all weapons enabled. When I drop in the game I whip out my trusty lightsaberand seek out some ass to whoop. Suddenly I’m blown to bits with a stray rocket. Scratching my head I figure that was surely a one-time occurrence. Get back in the game, “Lightsaber on. oh damn, someone’s gonna get their ass beat! Shit! Who the hell keeps shooting me with the damn rocket launcher?” I just portrayed exactly what will go through every Star Wars loving gamer’s head their first few minutes with JK II. The damn morons just run around shooting guns. Jedi with guns? Your lightsaber becomes useless and obsolete the second you sign on to a net game. Pickle walks in and watches in horror as I am consistently blown to bits by rockets and various other weapons as I refuse to conform and use anything other than a lightsaber. “I am a Jedi, and as such I will not join in your rocket fest!” To those of you who contribute to this load of crap, and you know who you are, go back to freaking Quake if you’re going to use the rocket launcher.

This game quickly found itself ejected from my drive and buried somewhere on the shelf. It barely survived being thrown from my balcony by the mighty Star Wars logo that it bears. So in short, save yourself the trouble of playing this game and just go beat your head against the wall in frustration. They both carry about the same entertainment value.

In conclusion I’d like to reiterate that this isn’t actually intended to be a review of Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast because it’s just not going to be possible for me to view it from an unbiased perspective. Thank you, that is all.