Soda Fizz – Volume III

May 28, 2003

CounterStrike (CS) is widely known as one of the
best multiplayer FPS games ever. Unfortunately it is also well known
for being a breeding ground for cheaters, spawn campers, team killers,
and other such fuckheads. Whether or not you’re a fan of CS you
have to admit that it reigned supreme over all FPS’ for a very long
time. Not to mention that it’s damn fun. If any of you have been
a fan of the site for a while you probably have heard me mention
that I almost lost a job due to a CS addiction. It’s a little hard
to explain exactly why every single person at my office played CS
non-stop all night every night, but there were six of us that didn’t
come into work until 5 pm and didn’t leave till 5 am. As if working
that schedule wasn’t boring enough, there was never anything to
do at this particular job. On top of all that no one who was in
charge ever came into the office. So what is the best way for six
computer geeks to entertain themselves who have nothing to do for
twelve hours at a time every day? CS, of course.

Everyone who has ever participated in a LAN party probably has
some pretty funny stories. What was different about this is that
every single night for more than three months the six of us were
eating, breathing, and sleeping CS. Being around each other for
the massive quantity of time that we were we were bound to get on
each other’s nerves. I could probably sit for hours and tell stories
that would make you laugh your ass off, but I will save those all
for another time, possibly another article. There is one particular
incident that will make me laugh until the day I die.

CS was such a way of life for us that after awhile we only referred
to each other by our player handles. Once you reach that stage in
your life you know that you’ve hit a new low. Before SB came about
I used to play under the handle “Dick Armey.” No, ARMEY
isn’t spelled wrong, he’s a senator, watch fucking CNN every once
in awhile. I shared an office with “Kyzer Soze” and “Weasel”
next door; the other three were down the hall.

For some reason Weasel wasn’t very good and he always played in
his office with the door closed. I think he was just annoyed with
the rest of us screaming at each other down the hall all the time.
One time a security guard was checking our office at 3 am and I
was screaming to Fenster down the hall at the top of my lungs, “Plant
the bomb! Plant the mother fucking bomb!”

We all laughed but I don’t think the security guard thought it
was very funny.

One night we were playing as the Counter Terrorists on the Canyon
Siege level. On this particular level all the Counter Terrorists
start out having to run across a canyon on a narrow bridge. If you’re
a CS veteran than you know that the start of every round is like
a rat race to get position before the other team does. Everyone
is off like a bolt of lightning trying to get to their spots.

For some reason Weasel kept spawning closet to the bridge so he
was always the first person to g
o across it. Normally Weasel sucking
didn’t bother anyone, but the bridge over the canyon is only wide
enough for one person to get across at a time. In addition to not
being all that great, Weasel insisted upon running with his gun
instead of his knife. Every CS player knows that you don’t run near
as fast with your gun out. So picture this; the only player of the
team who doesn’t run with his knife out hits the bridge first and
gets the other nine members of his team stuck behind him. The other
team was getting to their points way before we were and we were
getting massacred. Getting beat at any game is never acceptable
to me.

After four rounds of staring at the back of Weasel’s head and getting
really pissed off I yelled to Weasel “If you don’t quit running
with your gun I’m going to shoot you myself.”

I was pretty sure he heard me because I yelled pretty loud. The
next round started and I bought an AWP, just in case. I switched
to my knife and turned to run across the bridge, only to be greeted
by the back of Weasel’s head once again. I would like to make a
disclaimer that I don’t usually condone team killing, but there
are some situations where people are just asking for it. I stopped,
zoomed in and put a nice pretty bullet through the back of Weasel’s
head. Everyone on my team cheered and I could hear Weasel scream
“What the Fuck?” through his office door.

I felt good about myself, perhaps I had taught him a valuable lesson.
Except the next round started and I ran into him again! Apparently
he didn’t learn the first time, so I started to line up another
headshot. By the time I got my scope zoomed in on him I saw his
head explode before I even pulled the trigger. I turned around and
heard Kyzer cracking up. Talk about a “second shooter”

We heard Weasel spike his mouse and slam his door open. A second
later he came bursting into our office and lunges at Kyzer. The
lunge turned into a punch landed squarely on the back of Kyzer’s
head. Several swings and vulgarities were exchanged before the conflict
came to a conclusion. I would have tried to break them up but I
found the whole situation way too humorous. I’ll admit that it was
the only time I have ever seen a fist fight during an online game
involving two players on the same team. I would say that’s a rarity
during any game.

The moral of the story my friends, is don’t let your LAN party
turn to violence. If you suck at a game, make sure and get the hell
out of your team’s way. It makes things easier for everyone involved.