Enjoying the First Five Minutes

December 5, 2002

First off let me say that I have a love/hate relationship with
RTS games. Had it not been for Soda teaming up with my pathetic
ass I would never win. As a matter of fact, I seem to lack the multitasking
ability for micromanaging my troops and building more units at the
same time. When I heard that Warcraft 3 was going to implement some
role playing elements into the gameplay it made my ears perk.

So the crew goes out and purchases three copies of WC 3 and we
install the bad boy on our boxes. I start to play and I’m really
digging the Hero thing. The idea behind leveling him up is fantastic.
When you finally get some cool ass spells unleashing them is truly
a sight. Well the time has come to play online and BAM! I’m 0-5
in like an hour. Now I know what you are saying, "Pic, what’s
up man do you suck that bad?" No my friends I do not. It’s
just that I seem to attract rushers like flies to crap. I often
wonder what the hell is the point of playing an RPG when you aren’t
given the chance to level up you character. Oh, Oh, and don’t think
I don’t know that if you play a human level 6 you are not a rusher,
cause guess what? He is bringing 6 footmen and a mage with water
elementals in about 2 and half seconds. Point is, if you want to
enjoy an online game please feel free to do the following:

Pickles Guide to Enjoying Online Play

  1. Get a punching bag
  2. Buy a label maker
  3. Buy some frozen chicken
  4. Create the handle of your opponent
    with the label maker (get a cool color one too, they come in black,
    but I find that red labels make for better effects.)
  5. Paste the name of your opponent on
    the punching bag
  6. Wait for the rush…wait…oh it
    will come
  7. Beat the living shit out of the punching
    bag! Accept your loss like a man (while he is taking out your
    remaining buildings, run some good smack)
  8. Bake the chicken with lemon pepper
    sprinkled evenly on it and then serve with a lime for a Hawaiian
    theme (Soda claims that limes make chicken Hawaiian).

That should make for a more enjoyable playing experience. If its
pointers you’re interested in then, email Soda. He seems to be the
only one of us to actually comprehend surviving for more than 5

Oh yeah this game rules…go figure.